Keeping Memories.

Everyday I come here to sit, drink coffee, have lunch, listen to music, and study. I also come here to write. I come here in hopes that some spark of inspiration ignites within me to write exactly what I feel about my life these past months. After hours of aimlessly surfing through the internet in hopes for anything, I find myself closing my laptop and heading home without anything posted on this blog. Anything of what we have left behind, that is. Where to begin, how to say it, how to end it even--it all stresses me to the point of just throwing the towel in at the end of each day.

These past few months have given me much more than that, though. I have learned so much, seen so much, lived so much. I have been blessed with events that will forever be tattooed on the walls of my brain lobes. They have left me with no feeling of regret or remorse, as such events would. It has taught me that the formation of expectations can be the main shackles in my life and how I must loosely form the ones that won't drill me to the ground. Expectations that won't lead me back to the person I was before this entire "coming of myself" product. I grew as not only a person, but a Woman. My willingness of acceptance and sacrifice has brought me to my full potential, but just for the moment being. I have yet to be complete. My ties with the divinity have strengthened and my confidence in the natural world has given me the audacity to work outside of my ability.

So how do I begin to tell you any of this? How could I explain the journey I sailed through that lead me to having the strongest motivation to embark on this God- only- knows- how- long odyssey to "find myself"? An odyssey that I know I must take, where I would cast myself away. Attempting to help you conceptualize any of it is unfathomable. But of course, it just has to be said. It just does. And I will do my very best.

There are many ideas and thoughts scattered throughout my brain this very moment. Traffic of the thoughts, if you may say. There are many collisions left to right, causing hold ups within this writing process that creates the writer's block I'm experiencing. Remembrances that keep holding this four lane highway, rubbernecking as they see the collisions I have made within myself. Thoughts and words that need to be typed, waiting impatiently in their vessels trying to get to the destination. The place where each memory has its own place for serenity, where after arrival they are home. The patient and fluid thoughts and words that will naturally flow through, sit and worry and contemplate whether or not they will ever arrive. However, they sit waiting for the congestion to clear up, beckoning for an honest explanation for this catastrophe. The highway patrol, stopping any vessels of memories from going any further than they need to at the moment. Abashed of the duties they must perform, they obey keeping me in mind, knowing I know not of much at the moment. Knowing that each memory is present for a reason, they still perform with as much empathy in regards to my lack of understanding. Ambulances and firetrucks, coming to clean up and take away the mess that some memories have found their way through and into my highway. Experiencing the misconstrued assumptions I have drawn so irrationally out of fear. Lastly, there are the victims of the collision, the soul of my memories. Wondering why them, why now, and why in general.

To not answer them would be strictly unethical, hurtful even. Everyday we discard our memories into another random file, disregarding their voices. I'm here to voice what has happened and to justify the hurt and the joy involved within each memory. The blog must stay alive for not my benefit, but for the sake of my mind and the memories they enclose. A series of these posts will be in utter dedication to the memories that lurk in the hallways of my mind. They will be explanations, they will be affirmations for the memories that ask me everyday, "Why should you keep me"?